I don't pay attention in Calculus

This entry is contains a hand-written portion that I did instead of listening to my calculus professor drone on.

Click here!


On Thursday night I went to an event title "One Big Fat Gay Halloween Party". A sophomore that I know (not well) was the host, and it was fun. I was "I just got out of the shower..." so I could run around in a robe and Mr Bubble boxers all night, and I got to carry a towel which is always useful. I took a couple of straight friends with me (Wonder Woman and Flavor Flav)... it was a good time. I unfortunately didn't meet as many people as I would have liked, I should have drank more. Once I finally was meeting people and branching out away from the friends I brought, a fight broke out. Some gay bashers (a drunk guy and his drunk girlfriend) showed up and we don't like their type. The girlfriend was actually the feistier one; she was probably the angrier drunk. People had scratches, one guy was bleeding pretty badly from the back of his head (fortunately he prepartied and didn't really feel it), but the girl wound up getting her ass kicked. No guys wanted to fight a girl, but this girl from the party didn't care: she burned a cigarette onto the bitch's chest and then pushed her over a fence. It was pretty hardcore. I wish everybody could just get along and be more tolerant. Those who discriminate are missing out on so many meaningful friendships and adventures just because they think certain people are different -- we're really all the same. We are only one river; we are only one sea.

Tomorrow night brings more Halloween festivities!! I'll be going to a pretty big street parade in the city with some friends; there should be lots of sexy men there. I can't wait!

I've gotta meet more guys... it'll happen.

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i saw him again last night

Walking to the gym last night, I gave sauna boy some more thought, and pretty much gave up on him. I decided that fate would bring us closer together if we're supposed to be. So then, after I finish changing, I walk out of the lockerroom, and there's sauna boy. It wasn't awkward, we made our talk, and then proceeded to work out. After working out, I met up with him in the sauna, and there were other people there so it would have been a little weird to talk, but it felt like the most awkward silence ever. Then this guy started flirting with him (poorly) and that just really pissed me off. All of the tension I tried to work off came back. It cleared out a bit, he went and showered, I did too, we weren't talking so there was just more awkward silence, and I got my stuff out of my locker and was going to start getting dressed. He walked by and was like "You're leaving??" and I said "Yeah.. I think I'm done." He said he was going back to the sauna for a little longer and I said I might as well too. After everybody else left the sauna I could talk to him and it progressively got less awkward, thank God, and then we showered again which was a little awkward because of the silence but I just pushed through it. Then we changed and left together and we could talk as we walked back and suddenly, it wasn't awkward anymore. Well, it was a little, but not too bad. We even stopped to get smoothies somewhere and just hung out for a bit. I guess we're friends now, which is cool. I'm still attracted to him though. But I got what I wanted -- my biggest fear was that I would see him at the gym and it we wouldn't talk, he'd avoid me, and it would be horrifically awkward. Last night was only temporarily awkward and we can still talk to each other. His birthday is in a few days... I told him happy early birthday because I probably wouldn't see him before then. Maybe I will anyways though. So it was all good except for that I was totally ready to hit the gym again after this! I like to go to the gym late so I can come back and be tired and sleep. That totally backfired, but I at least sort of have some closure.

I miss summer.

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three packages

Mexico was very chill and relaxing, an escape was just what I needed. Too bad I still have a midterm tomorrow! My mom told me that she and her family visited Mexico when she was young; I don't think it has changed much since then. That's a good thing, I enjoyed how... retro... it was. Plus I got ahold of some Coca-Cola Light, that was a little bit orgasmic. Overall, the trip sort of reminded me of when I stay with my grandparents, except for that's in New York not Mexico. Everything was old, all the furniture was aged but classy, lots of relaxing, just general family time (even though the family wasn't mine). And I bonded a lot more with my friend who I went with! He's cute but he's straight, but I don't want more than friendship with him anyways, and he is (like everyone else here fortunately) completely okay with my sexuality. I love being able to talk about my sexcapades and not having too much shame about it. I could see us living together next year but I don't want to just spring that on him. I think he'd be okay with it, we're pretty compatible, I mean I'm an Aquarius and I totally get along really well with the other air signs (he's a Gemini), so its like its meant to be.

I think the thing with sauna boy is over, but it wasn't really enough of a thing to call it over, it never really got past those few nights. I really don't know what's going on, so I'll just assume that it means nothing is going on. I've put in far more effort than he has; if he decides to start calling me then yeah I'll go with it. It's too bad, I really did like him.
I decided it'd be nice to look nice today for no particular reason except for the possible chance that Drew, the boy with those amazing eyes, might see me. I was running a little late and I busted my ass to get there early, but, I didn't even see him, let alone have him see me. It was way disappointing. How sad is it that I work that hard just to possibly see him for a few seconds? I have so many possible things to converse with him, I just don't know how to dive into it. I don't want to push too hard though. When the time is right, fate will throw me into it. Then again, fate's already done a lot, I might need to go a little further. I've gotta find someone to be with soon, I jerked off this morning and while it felt really good, it's not as good as a really passionate kiss. It's not just about getting off. I want feelings too now.

The only bad thing about the trip was that we got back late Sunday night, and the mailroom isn't open on Sunday, doesn't open until 3 on Monday, so I had to spend a LOT of time wondering what my two packages were, because even though I was able to get the emails notifying me of the packages, I wasn't notified who they were from or anything.
The first package is least exciting to an outsider, but totally exciting to me. I had been on the same pair of contact lenses since I moved in a month ago, and finally, FINALLY, I got some new lenses in the mail. Oh, when I went to pick up my packages, I learned that I actually had three not two, which was extra exciting -- getting mail is AWESOME. The next package was something Seth (my friend from Mexico) and I ordered: 70 centilitres of Absinthe. I am beyond excited for this. I was a little concerned it would get siezed by customs, but it was a risk we were willing to take. It is of the finest quality, it has 72% alcoholic content and the maximum thujone content allowed by the EU, I think its 35 mg/L. I am so ready to watch Moulin Rouge and trip out. I'd like for that to happen tonight, but, I have a midterm tomorrow, so that might not be the best idea.
Finally, I got mail from BRENT CORRIGAN! I've kept up with his blog for a long time now, I've really started to feel like I've gotten to know him even though he of course hardly knows who I am, beyond the letter I sent. He sent in response a slightly personalized letter, and a personalized autographed picture. On the picture it says "To David, a great fan and even better friend." It's so nice, I have such contented smile on my face right now. It's a really hot picture, but the personalization was way more important to me. Judging what I've seen from the "Behind-the scenes" footage on the member's portion of his site, I really think I'd have fun with him and his associates, I'd love to be friends with them, not just some obsessive fan.

So even though I worked really hard to look good today and it was for nothing and I'm wearing fairly uncomfortable but attractive underwear, I got some pretty awesome mail and I talked to my best friend across the country on the phone and I hadn't heard her for a while. Today was really good, and really, it's only halfway through, who knows what might happen tonight. That right there is why I love college -- not knowing.

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mexico

I'm going to Mexico this weekend!!! I've never been before and I'm pretty much really excited, largely so I can get some Coca-Cola Light. Originally it was a couple of my friends, but now its just me and this one guy from my floor (and his family), but yeah it's pretty exciting, I love going to places I've never been.

Also exciting, I did laundry yesterday for the first time in my life on my own. I didn't even ruin anything! Some of my whites are a little smaller though. So those FCUK boxer-briefs that I bought a size too small are now even snugger. It kinda hurts, but it makes my ass look good, so I'm not complaining.

Sauna boy hasn't called me yet :-(. It's been since Monday morning, and I know he works a lot, but its a little upsetting. I think I'm just going to call him tonight, because it's been long enough for it not to seem like I'm clingy and overly dependant. Plus I'm going to Mexico this weekend, so I can be like.. if you want to do anything, I can't this weekend, and don't be surprised if I don't answer because it's really expensive to use a cell phone out of the country. So yeah, I'd like to keep seeing him, maybe even go on a date because we never got to do that and he had mentioned dinner, but if he's done with me, fine, I'd at least like some closure. But I don't want it to be awkward either, that's critical. Ugh I really wish he would have called me by now, it's really disappointing. I spent so much today thinking about kissing him.

I'm making friends with this gay sophomore on my floor! It'll be good to have a gay friend who lives close by, you know, someone I can talk to about boys, etc. Talking to girls about it works but it's not the same, because gay boys and straight boys are also of course not the same.

I have several mutual friends with that other boy I like, the one I see every other day but can't seem to talk to. Its tempting to just have someone introduce us, but I think I'm going to hold off a while longer, I'd really like to meet him on my own. If I see him in some other situation besides the usual, at least now I have a conversation starter, I can ask him if he has physics in that auditorium and he'll of course say yes and then I can say that's why he looked familiar or whatever. I have a quick wit, I can totally build conversation from there, it's just those first words that are impossible.

EDIT::: I called him. I reached no conclusions from that phone call, except for that he's tired, presumably because of working so much, and I woke him up, whoops! He has his new roommate now. He was friendly on the phone though, there was a bit of conversation without too much awkward silence, seemed interested that I called and that I'm going to Mexico. I let him go back to sleep before too long though. I'm still emotionally frustrated, haha. At least he knows I'm still interested. We'll see what happens.

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one hundred and twenty eight fluid ounces

I donated blood today. I try to donate regularly but today, I was about four weeks behind and I feel a little bad for it, but, better late than never I suppose. I hit a milestone I'm fairly proud of: as of today, I have donated an entire gallon of blood. Donation number eight and feeling great!
It is always a bit of a moral conflict when I give though. Though I am still a virgin, I am a male who has messed around with another male (even once) since 1977. After I have sex with a man, it's going to be much worse of a conflict, and I don't know if I'll be willing to lie on the questionairre, but I would hate not being able to give anymore. I have enough trouble convincing my friends to go, it'd REALLY suck if I can't even do it myself. More initiative to wait on the sex I guess.

This year is flying by. As much as I am having a good time, I miss the summer. I have a midterm in my multivariable calculus class next week, then one in psychobio pretty soon after that. Sometimes I wish I could just freeze time; hold everything in place. The idea of aging scares me so much sometimes. Alphaville said it best -- I want to be Forever Young. I know that's such a downer, but really, I'm so scared of having to enter the real world, enter the rest of my life. I should probably be taking more advantage of my youth while it's here.

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quite the update

Tuesday night. I went back to the gym and I did not see sauna boy, but I was early, so I just hopped onto my bike and did my cardio, and he came by and found me! It was such a relief to not have to try and find him. I tried to gauge how long it would take him to do whatever it is that he does at the gym, and it turns out, I was right! When I walked into the lockerroom and started undressing, I saw him walk by, wearing one of those tiny gym towels that barely wraps around your waist, heading towards the sauna. I quickly joined him. Now, this was nice, because we already had met each other so we could just talk instead of having awkward sauna silence. Finally we introduced ourselves, which we admitted we should have done earlier. We just talked for awhile and generally bonded. Naked bonding time is always good. After the sauna, we went to go shower off, and he showered across from me a ways, but fate dealt me a good hand and his soap dispenser didn't work, so I got him to come over and shower immediately next to me since I had soap. More naked bonding time! When we both got dressed we didn't even try to cover ourselves up -- we were already comfortable naked in front of each other, very cool. During our walk back up the hill to our dorms, we had more conversation, there was no awkward silence, it was so nice. When it was time to part ways, I told him I'd facebook him.

I did. I gave him my phone number too. Wednesday night, I got the call. We agreed it had been fun just walking around and talking, so that was the plan for that night as well. I decided to bring a blanket just in case we would stop at somepoint during our walk. Of course, its not a very big blanket, so I knew that if we both got cold, we'd have to get REAL close to share it. We walked around campus for a while, and its really cool seeing a place normally heavily populated completely devoid of people, and I had never seen so much of campus at night -- we left at like half past midnight and were out for a while, so yeah it was late. Eventually we found nice secluded area with some benches in front of the Math/Sciences building. I was pretty much shivering after a little while, so we got really close, you know, to try and warm up. This led to that magical first kiss, it was so good too. Its so much better when you actually like the person. He told me I was cute and he liked me, I told him I liked him too. I just layed there with my head in his lap, smiling because I was so happy to be there with him, for a long time. It really was nice. The hot&heavy make out session in a somewhat public area was good too. We only touched each other's dicks briefly too, and it was perfect because I didn't want to go TOO fast; I like him. The fact that I had known him for a few days, was getting involved with him, and still hadn't sucked his dick is definitely significant -- its so cool that he's more than just a hook-up. It got to be like three in the morning, and we both had to be places in a few hours, so we walked back up to the dorms. I had an arm around his shoulders, he had an arm around my waist, for most of the walk back, it was so cute, and I LOVED not caring that people saw. I kissed him good night in front of the dorm; people probably saw that too but I again don't care -- I'm really enjoying how open I can be with my sex life here.

Thursday night I called him or he called me or I'm not sure, and we decided to go on another walk. This time, the walk was a little more direct, we didn't wander around campus as much. He showed me this place behind some tennis courts, totally clear yet still in nature so definitely a bit public, where there's a bit of a ledge overlooking the traffic on the road below, it was like right above dead man's curve, it was a great spot. We didn't talk as much that night before we were making out in the pine needles. We undressed each other (he unbuttoned my shirt with his teeth, it was impressive) and we had some fun. He's definitely uncut by the way, and I liked it, it was easier to jerk him off, and yeah I noticed foreskin when I was sucking him off, but it didn't get in the way or anything, its just cool and not as different as I expected. We didn't fuck, but we did everything else, and when we finally got off by jerking each other, there was soooooo much cum. It was really messy and we didn't really have any way of cleaning it up... so it was kind of gross, but still sexy. He unfortunately had to meet up with somebody after, so we couldn't spend too much more time together, but we again walked back to the dorms and I kissed him goodnight again.

He went home for the weekend, but he told me his roommate was moving out while he was gone, and he probably wouldn't have a replacement for a few more days. As of last night, fortunately, he didn't have a replacement roommate yet, so he invited me over so I could spend the night. We cuddled in bed together and watched Latter Days and some of Never Been Kissed. I hadn't ever seen Latter Days before, and if you haven't either, I highly recommend it. I recommend Never Been Kissed too, of course, but I'd recommend that to anybody, not just people who might read this. We were in bed together, so of course there was more fooling around, and it was again nice because it started slow. We had made out off and on during Latter Days, and we didn't really pay any attention at all during Never Been Kissed, so yeah, lots of making out before getting naked is a good warm up. Oh my god, the sex was so intense (we again didn't fuck which I'm happy about because I'm still a virgin and he hasn't pressured me at all) and there was cum everywhere again, but at least this time we were able to clean it up. After all of that we were able to just fall asleep with each other, holding each other, spooning, cuddling, occasionally kissing until we fell asleep. It was really nice waking up next to him. I hope we can go out on a date sometime soon, but its hard because I'm a student, he's a student who also works two jobs, which is why I usually don't see him until after eleven at night.

He said he'd call me today, but I have an eight in the morning class tomorrow and it might be nice to slow it down a bit, because I do like him. Its so incredible to have something that's lasted more than a few hours. I just hope he's not getting bored.. and will still be interested in me for a while. Is it weird that I keep thinking about what it'd be like if/when this affair ends? I don't want it to anytime soon, I obviously like him, but I mean I want to see what else is out there, and I don't think I want a long term relationship, but I still defintiely don't want to end things. Ugh this is confusing. I'm just going to try not to worry about it and just keep having fun with him for now. Its already lasted longer than anything else I've ever had so I guess it'd be a success even if it ended now, but I'd be deeply saddened. Whatever, everything is going well, I'm just paranoid. I'm sure we'll have more good times. I might even want to have sex with him, I think I'd be comfortable losing it to him, you know, if this lasts a bit longer.

What this means is at least for now I've put a hold on chasing the boy with the eyes that pierced my soul. I got to class early again so I could see him walk by, and again, I had nothing to say. Its really terrible, I wish I could talk to him. I didn't get a position in that club that he's in that I was trying to get into, I guess my interview didn't go as well as I hoped, but I can probably still volunteer and help out with the activities, and one way or another I am partying with those people dammit, because there are just too many cute boys, and I've seen how much fun all of those people have through pictures on Facebook, and I need to join them. I'm determined. I'll just have to put in a lot of time volunteering this year so that I can be even more active with them next year. I think I'll try to talk to him (again) on Wednesday -- I'm already involved with a guy, so I couldn't be more than friends with him for right now anyways, so I wouldn't even have to pretend like I'm not looking for sex with him, I'm actually not. I've gotta just go for it.

Wow, a lot has happened in the past week.

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update on sauna boy

Thanks to the magic of facebook, I'm pretty sure the boy I met in the sauna last night also likes boys. However, I don't "know" his name so I can't admit to having found his facebook yet... but now there is even more motivation to run into him. I think I know where he works (because he told me not because I am a stalker), so maybe I'll run into him there today... but one thing's for sure, and that is that I will be hitting up that gym at 11 pm regularly from now on. I am so ready for more sauna time!

Did I mention how hot he is? He's more of the type I usually find myself attracted to: a little bit shorter, slim/slender but with some tone, cute face, and he's Hispanic -- I love that complexion! I need a tan... but its not really tanning season anymore so I guess it is forgivable. I am so jealous of people with that body type; I need to hit the gym more often. It'd be so much easier to get guys who are out of my league if they were in my league, though then they'd be in my league not out of it and it'd be less significant, yet still significant because I'd be a part of that league. But maybe they are within reach and I just have some paranoid insecurities. Whatever, I know I'm going to keep going to the gym, I know I look good but there's room for improvement of course, and sauna boy kept flashing his genitals at me so he's potentially interested.

Hopefully he'll be there tonight! I will be!

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ah, boys....

So I've had a pretty obscene crush (for lack of better word) on this boy ever since orientation. He wasn't my counselor or anything, he just worked there, so I didn't have any interaction with him, but he's definitely one of the hottest boys I've ever seen. He's taller than me and has an athletic but not slim body, which is weird because I'm usually attracted to the Brent Corrigan type... you know, around 5'8" and very slim but with nice abs. This guy strays from that and its significant.

Facebook is such a tease. He has a private profile and that's just so difficult to deal with. Like I come across pictures from him... because I was looking for them... through other people's pictures, and I swear I could just look at them all day. And while the occasional shirtless picture that I find is nice to look at, I'm really attracted even just to his face. His eyes, specifically, but I still haven't found a picture that captures the effect they have in person. I did find his myspace, which is not private, but he doesn't appear to have updated it for a while. Oh, I do know that he likes boys, based on info from myspace and facebook. I tried adding him to my friends on facebook a while ago but he declined, which I guess is reasonable because we aren't friends and I've never met him, but being facebook friends would have facilitated the process. I just hope he forgets about that before we meet in person, assuming that ever happens.

Through some pretty awesome twists of fate, I've been close to him in person. At the first football game of the year which was HUGE and something like 72,000 attended, he wasn't seated near me, but I did have a decent view from time to time. Then, at the end of the game when everybody piled out on the stairs, somehow I wound up next-to/right in front of him. I looked over my shoulder at him a lot... he had to have seen me looking, I'm certain we made eye contact a couple of times. There was a moment in time where I got lost in those eyes... that moment is of length indeterminate; I was truly.. lost.. in the gaze. His eyes are absolutely piercing. Ahhhhhhhh.... I just want to stare into them forever and take pictures of them and see my future through them. This makes me think about the 1982 animated classic, "The Last Unicorn"... there's a moment when King Haggard looks into the unicorn-disguised-as-Princess's eyes and sees... nothing... and it's very eerie... this isn't really anything like that, except for that his eyes are very deep. Piercing is the best adjective though, I think.

Speaking of piercings, he has a few, and I usually don't go for that either, but he's the preppy type not the skater type so it isn't scary, it just makes him a little bit hardcore, but just a little! It's cute, really. As far as I know its just one bar thing in one ear, and I think maybe a nipple piercing? I'm not sure off hand. Hopefully there aren't and penis piercings, those just wig me out, and yeah I'm just not even going to consider that a possibility.

Perhaps due to further planetary alignment, he has class in a certain lecture hall immediately prior to my class in said lecture hall. On the first or second day of class, during the changing of classes, I got to brush myself into him for that split second of passing a person, but didn't manage to say anything. I have honestly no idea if he noticed or thought anything of it or remembers me in any way. Some other day of class, I got there damn early and thought I watched every single person exit that lecture hall and didn't see him. That was frustrating. But today, I hadn't given up hope yet, and again got there early, staked out my spot, and I saw him, I moved so he would walk right by me, he did walk right by me and I said................... nothing. I have absolutely no idea what to say to this person beyond "Hi" or "I just wanted to meet you because I've had an obsessive infatuation since orientation" or "I've been stalking you on the internet lately, please update your myspace". Its not good. I know I just need to talk to him, but its like I'm not able to, and I don't know how to deal with it. I think I might pull a line from Red Eye, something to the effect of "I've seen you around a lot lately. You're not stalking me, are you?" but be obviously joking, yet serious acting enough so that it would bring humour to his day.

I'm trying to join a club that he was active in last year and probably will be again this year. Don't worry, that's not the only reason I'm joining, I have significant interest in the group and am ready for the year-long commitment... that this boy likes to party with them is only a nice benefit. I had my interview tonight which I think went decently well; if I don't get "in" I can still be a volunteer/groupie who helps out a lot, as apparently a lot of people do. Maybe then I'll be able to talk to him.

Even then though, I'm not sure what I want from him. Would I like to get him into bed? Yeah, sure, but its not like I'm only lusting for him, I'm pretty sure I would treasure our friendship. But I would still want the sex... but I'm also pretty sure I couldn't handle being just another notch in his bedpost. Its not like I want a boyfriend either though! Ugh, this is so complicated. I don't know, whatever, I'm getting ahead of myself, I need to start by talking to him, maybe even confirming that he might know I exist, haha.


In other news, I went to the gym tonight, really late... at like 11 pm, and they close at 12:45 am. I did my cardio for an hour, thats always good times because exercising gives you endorphins (and endorphins make you happy, and happy people don't kill their husbands -- they just don't). Then I got a little more daring and enjoyed the lockerroom fully. Last time I was there, I just was kind of naked quickly in my changing and then went on with my business. Tonight, however, I didn't even have a change of clothes, I was just enjoying the nakedness and the lockerroom... I took a shower which was very nice and will definitely follow every workout session from here on out, and I hit up the sauna. Another boy joined me in the sauna, and he did the stand up, towel readjustment thing a couple of times, and I saw the goods. Was he showing them to me? I don't know, it doesn't matter, it is probably better as a mystery. Eventually I commented on something and he laughed, he made a similar comment and I laughed. Granted, that was the extent of our sauna conversation, but its weird to just start up conversation with some guy in the lockerroom. So yeah, the gym was about to close at this point so we both changed and got dressed in the same general area which was fortuitous, he may have done that on purpose but again I'm not sure-- then again, he put on his boxers under his towel which I thought was weird because I already saw his junk, but, whatever, maybe he just likes to tease, maybe it means nothing. I began the walk up to my dormitory, and its a long ass walk because I live at pretty much the top of the hill, and he was next to me the entire time! Once we got up, he asked if I lived in his dorm, and I was like.. no, I live in this dorm, right before yours, second-last dorm on the hill -- quite the coincidence though. I asked if he always went to the gym that late, he said yes because it fits his schedule well, and I was like yeah, I think I'll probably start going at this time regularly. We had to go our separate directions at that point but he was like 'See you later' and I was all 'Yeah, I probably will..'. Okay, so maybe I don't know his name yet, but regardless, I made an aquaintance of a very cute boy that I met in the frigging sauna. You'd better believe that I will be going to the gym practically every night at 11. Haha I'm going to get so fit, totally a good thing, and its only partially motivated by cute boys and lockerrooms and saunas.... I have such a lockerroom/sauna fetish, its really hard not to get hard in there. Oh well. I love being naked, and I liked seeing other naked guys seeing me naked.... oh man, I suddenly love the gym.

Oh! I made a friend on Adam4Adam that goes here and lives in a dorm near mine. He's really cute, too. I still need to meet him in person, and he was drinking the night that I met him online so we had a conversation that was more in depth than it should have been, haha, but he did say he was looking forward to meeting me. It'll happen. It's nice to have someone to talk to about the gay life here, I'm glad I met him, he has a lot of insights, and suspects that there is a very large closeted gay population amongst my freshman class.
I think I'll be making more friends on Adam4Adam, its a pretty neat site, except for the creepy old guys who think I'll go to their homes, potentially to get raped or murdered and turned into a lampshade Ed Gein style, just because they leave a note saying they give good head. Grosssssssssssssssssssss....... There are some pretty nice finds on there sometimes though!

ah.. I know I say I'm bi, and sometimes I do like girls honestly, but I really really really like boys........ =D

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