i'm bringing sexy back

and while I'm at it, I'm bringing this blog back from hiatus.

Since last time...
- I made a trek down to San Diego solely to see Brent Corrigan at Rich's San Diego and my fake ID got confiscated, then my friend's car broke down twice
- I fell for a boy in my Russian class, couldn't get him, but we're friends now.
- I had a fling with Russian boy's ex.
- I had an hour in a car with sauna boy. shady. I still like him, I wish he had more respect for me.
- A few days ago I started talking to sauna boy's ex. Neither sauna boy nor his ex know I know the other. MUCH more on this drama later but I'm not up for explaining it.
- I decided I'll be staying here for this summer
- I finally made it to Micky's and RAGE. Tigerheat coming this week.
- I have made a BIG jump on my climbing of the social ladder. The plan I developed before the year even began is, while not going accordingly, taking off at last.
- I've started going to the gym regularly
- I went to the Oscars disguised as a press photographer trying to meet celebrities at the red carpet. I fooled only the tourists.
- I've begun to plot an affair to remember with a boy technically attached to someone else
- My hair has gone from reddish to redder to dark brown
- I've started making friends with gay guys instead of just hooking up with them
- I've held on to my virginity/blood-donor-eligibility
- I've had Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday
- I've hooked up on a beach
- and in a study room in a dorm

It's a great start to the year. I have enough going on now that there should be lots to write on. Plus, my cable went out a few weeks ago, and I've become thoroughly detached from both the Young and the Restless and the Bold and the Beautiful -- it's tragic.

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mission accomplished

Well, sort of. It's a start. Sure, I couldn't get anybody together to go to RAGE tonight to see Brent Corrigan, and I'm über-disappointed about that, but those opportunities will come again, and time is less critical on that one. And honestly, that's really the only thing that could have completely perfected my master plan.

I did, however, finally get introduced to boy I had been obsessing over. It isn't really a big deal or anything, our mutual friend just introduced us at the dance tonight. But at the same time, it's more progress than I've been able to make on my own in the past 8 weeks of seeing him, at least for a few seconds, minimum twice a week. I got the hand shake, I got to look into his eyes, even if we just exchanged names, just a moment that lasted only a few seconds... such a critical step, a step which put my foot in the door. Now, tomorrow, hopefully he'll go to class so I can pass him and this time I'll be allowed to say something.
It was so perfect. I had known about this event for literally weeks. I had my plan. I went with the friend I needed to go with. Her purpose was to introduce me to boys. She knew this, I didn't even have to explain it -- that would have been awkward. Her purpose, more specifically, was to introduce me to one boy in particular. This she did not know, and it's better that no one knows that I've been facebook/myspace stalking this boy for weeks. However, of all the boys she could have introduced me to, she introduced me to only two, and she went straight to the good stuff. I just love it when a good plan comes together.

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heat wave

We had such a warm weekend... it made me really nostalgic for the summer. I love, more than a lot of things, laying in the sun. Whenever I go to the beach with friends, instead of swimming or playing frisbee, I am the one who rejoices in the world's best naps, bare skin kissed by the sun. Too bad I have such trouble tanning, but, I don't even care. This weekend we spent a couple of hours laying by the pool, enjoying the nearly ninety degree weather, and I brought my summer issues of GQ Style and Men's Vogue, and we just looked at boys, both in print and in person. I just love the warmth all over my body, and I love baring myself, haha.

Not just for summer, I'm getting nostalgic for home as well. I haven't missed home until this week, and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I seriously had no desire to leave here until recently, and it's not like I don't love it here more than anything, but I actually want to go home -- not only to see friends, but also to just.. be home. My bed, my room, my shower, my cats, my parents, my store/work, my cars, my other clothes, my couch, my living room, my neighbourhood, my house, my mother's cooking... and definitely my friends. Thanksgiving could not have come at a better time, though it has snuck up on me. I can hardly believe I'll be at home, in bed, in 48 hours. Hopefully the time change won't screw with me too much... I'll just drink some green juice, I swear, magical jet-lag remedy. And it was good the time I had to take a Calculus final the Monday after Prom... hadn't thought about that for a long time. I can't believe I was in high school last year! This is so much better for me. I love my life, and I am beyond excited to go home for a few days.

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straight boys

Sauna boy doesn't know how to work a phone, except for when he's drunk. Oh well, I guess he's not worth waiting for... I'm just going to say I'm over it, and soon enough it'll be completely true.

A few nights ago at the gym, I enjoyed some sauna time with hot straight boys. So hot. In the sauna, there's like an L-shaped bench along two walls, and at the backwall there's another bench that's higher up. I was just relaxing in the middle of the back bench when hot straight boy #1, fortunately wearing nothing but a skimpy gym towel, came in and sat on the bench, so I move over slightly to be courteous. He's tall, excellent body, good abs, blonde surferish hair. Then his hot friend comes in and sits on the bench in between us and I move over a little more. He also has a really good body, tall, abs aren't as nice, and hair is a little less shaggy but still beach blonde. I'm thinking... this is awesome, two hot boys, and I'm sharing the bench with them when there's all sorts of other room, and they're friendly and talking to each other so it's not just awkward silence. Then, hot friend #3 comes in. Tall blonde and good body... again. It's amazing. Rather than sitting on the lower bench, he joins his buds on the top bench. They're all completely comfortable with each other, being that close to each other wearing nothing but a tiny towel to cover their junk. Of course, as soon as they sit down, they lift the towel and they're bare-assed and just leaving the towel over the goods... lots of really nice ass, it was so wonderful. Then, finally (actually this all happens in less than a minute, but still, time slows down when there's this much to process), hot straight friend #4 comes in. Its getting a little crowded in the sauna, but he's not going to be the bitch and take the bottom bench, so he comes in and sits between his friends and me, five boys all on the top bench, no one else in the sauna, plenty of other room.... it's like Christmas. He's also tall but with dark hair, and a little bit hairier than the other boys -- not too much, just his chest/stomach and legs were noticeably hairy, maybe because he had darker hair. As if all of this isn't enough, there's not a lot of room on the bench, so there was definite thigh and ass contact. Nothing like five naked boys crammed into a hot hot hot sauna sitting thigh-to-thigh, ass-to-ass. One of them made a joke about jacking off in there at one point. And they were all friendly, so I could look at them because we were talking, not because I was staring. We were all in the sauna for seriously like twenty minutes. It was amazing. I love hot boys. Then when it was all over, nothing left to do but shower, and the showers are communal at the gym... unfortunately, the guys were slightly modest about their packages and weren't completely uninhibited, but I saw some good stuff. A good amount of ass, not nearly enough cock, LOTS of nice bodies. Oh, and walking out of the sauna, seeing five sweaty prints of ass and cock and balls on the wooden bench? Yeah, that was hot too. It was a monumental night at the gym.
And I'm really glad they were all comfortable in their just in towels -- sometimes you see people come in like fully clothed just after they work out and it's like... not cool, and get your damn shoes off the bench. Then there are the guys who wear their boxers or shorts into the sauna... LAME! Guys like that need to get over their modesty, they'd have a lot more fun, and be a lot more comfortable (mentally and physically) in the lockerroom. One night I was at the sauna, and there was a guy in there who wore his boxers not only in the sauna but also while he was showering (what the hell??), but I made sure to talk to him during that brief moment in time when his boxers were off... he had to face me, I saw his dick, it was a good triumph over modesty.

So anyways, on the monumental night of sharing the sauna with four hot straight boys, as I was walking out, I saw the boyfriend of that one guy with the amazing eyes I've had an obscene crush on since orientation. He (his boyfriend) is pretty hot too, and I had never seen him in person before... too bad I didn't see him in the lockerroom. He's another Scorpio, by the way -- like I said, I'm encountering way too many Scorpio boys lately. Then when I got back to the dorms, I checked his facebook, and his relationship status is no longer "in a relationship", but "it's complicated." !!!!! Of course I have no idea what the details are, and the boy I obsess over has a private profile so I can't see what his says... but I like having the slight degree of mystery. Oh my god, I would seem like such a stalker if anybody knew all this, haha, but I swear I'm not... I just like facebook a lot, and I'm observant and have a good memory.

Oh, the next day after sauna night, I went to the gym again and hit the sauna and saw one of the boys from the night before. He remembered me and said hey, but my timing wasn't perfect and he was on the way out of the sauna just as I was going in. So I've at least made acquaintances with four hot straight boys... maybe I'll see them in the sauna more often. I certainly hope so.

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too bad I'm an eighteen year old boy

I love having a penis. I do. It is something I really enjoy, and I would be very disappointed if it were gone. However, it is something of a disadvantage when I go to frat parties. For a guy to even have a chance of getting into a frat party when not on the very very restricted list, he has to surround himself with at least 4 or 5 pretty girls. Then sometimes even that backfires because they make the guys and the girls split up and pass different bouncers to get in, so the girls can still be all seductive and whorey and get their friends in, but their guy friends have absolutely no chance, and it sucks. But, that's the way it goes, and it's not uncommon to get all dressed up for nothing, and pre-party, get a little drunk, and then not get into the actual party so realize that you've just pre-nothinged.

When I get drunk, my inhibitions are gone. I really need to not let myself use facebook when I'm drunk, I come on way too strong to people I don't know very well, and maybe it comes off as creepy or gross or desperate or loserish, and it's depressing. Sometimes though, it gives you a chance of getting closer to someone, so sometimes its worth it. Then there is the whole issue of drunken dialing.

I called sauna boy. He had, out of the blue, earlier in the day, left me a facebook note saying that he hadn't seen me in forever, et cetera. Part of me was like "Yeah, that's because you never called back, ass." The rest of me remembered that I still like him and I miss spending time with him, so when my inhibitions were low enough, I called him and fortunately got his voicemail. Later, he called me back, drunker than I was, saying that yeah we need to hang out soon and catch up. I'm excited! Granted, he may have just been drunk, but still, now there is at least a possibility of me seeing him again, ever. Later that night he called me but I missed it -- the missed call was listed at 2:34 a.m., I had already passed out for the night. This was all two nights ago. Last night, I was drunker, called him again, got his voicemail again, and told him to call me if he was up for doing anything after work last night. He hasn't called, and that's fine, but I would like to see him soon. Maybe there's still a chance after all! It seems like I always get in contact with him after I give up, it's so weird.

Oh, yesterday, I saw that other guy again, the friend's friend from Halloween. His name is Aaron. Now, I had told him via drunk facebook message that we needed to get some bonding time in, but that wasn't how it was supposed to happen. I saw him at breakfast, and I was a mess, and I hate leaving the dorm before I've showered and put myself together and look good. He ended up spending the day with our mutual friend (he and she are good friends) so I did see him again later, but only in passing. I don't think we'll be as good of friends as I'd like, at least not anytime soon. Then again, his birthday is coming up, maybe something will come of that, but it's doubtful.
So many Scorpio boys have come into my life lately! It is so weird, this sudden influx. Sauna boy, Aaron, my gay friend Tony down the hall, Tony's best friend who I haven't spent any time with but is cute and gay and I've met once or twice, Brent Corrigan, this popular gay senior who I'm not friends with but I think checked me out semi-recently, and I think at least one more but I'm not recalling it right now. It's a lot to deal with.

My other possibility is the guy (Dave) who hosted that gay Halloween party a while back. I saw him twice yesterday, once just in passing, the second mostly in passing but we chatted it up. I really need to call him and get the ball rolling on that. I remember the first time we met in person, he sized me up so indiscreetly, haha. I liked it though. He's taller than me, which again I'm not usually attracted to, but it works for him. He is slim/slender with muscle tone though, that's normal. I hadn't seen him since his party a couple weeks ago, he wanted me to stay and hang out with him after the party and I did for a few minutes, but then he disappeared, I think he passed out. I like him and want to spend more time with him, but I need to see if anything with sauna boy pans out first, because this is confusing enough: I don't need to be involved with two guys simultaneously. He's a Pisces, which is definitely refreshing.

I'm not going to San Diego tonight. Disappointingly, I found out that the event is 21+ only. Now is not the time to meet Brent Corrigan, apparently, though under slightly different circumstances, it totally would be. I guess I'll have to channel my energy into at least one different Scorpio for now!

Of course, I'm Aquarius and I'm not especially compatible with either Scorpio or Pisces -- my best friends are usually the other air signs, Gemini or Libra; or Virgos and Sagittarrians -- but in my experience, as an Aquarius, I'm not especially incompatible with anybody -- except typically Capricorns, I just do not like them (usually). Then again, I've definitely had some fun friends born under Scorpio or Pisces, in my history, I get along pretty well with them. Scorpios sometimes make me really angry, but most of the time, we're close. Pisces are just crazy from time to time, but always unique and usually after as much fun as I am. Scorpios and Sagittarrians are usually the most attractive/popular, but, they know it. I should probably be trying for Dave the Pisces, and I think I will.

I've been thinking a lot about if I'm just gay, not bi. It's such a conflict. I like boys more, but I don't want to rule out the option of liking girls, and I'd hate to eliminate the possibility of having a really good meaningful relationship with a girl, just because I have to choose to be gay. I don't want to choose between boys and girls! I definitely like girls more when I'm drunk, and not as much when I am sober. But I still like them I think! I just... like boys more... at least for now. Ugh, this is such a conflict. I should probably just... not worry about it... but I do. I probably am just gay and having trouble accepting it. After all, whenever I watch romantic comedies with girl friends on the floor to get depressed, I find myself saying with them "I want a boyyyyyyyy :-(". I'm not going to deal with this right now but I think I will soon. I think I'd be happier just gay anyways. No, that's not really true, I really want the possibility of falling in love with a woman and marrying and having a big family. I just like boys too. This is so hard. Maybe after I talk to a friend about it I'll have an answer, or at least be able to write about it in a less disorganized stream-of-consciousness fashion. This would be so much easier if it were more socially acceptable to not have to choose, so for now, I'm not going to. I support a bisexual's right to choose, dammit.

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maybe I'm a slacker

but at least I'm only a slacker with this blog. Now that my midterms are over (mostly -- I have another one in calculus of several variables right after Thanksgiving, but for the interim, I am done) I can express myself again!

Halloween night was fun, but not nearly as much fun as it should have been. We never made it to West Hollywood, something I'm still a little disappointed about, and I was pretty lazy with my costume anyways. Nobody took the incentive to get organized, which I guess is reasonable, we were all preoccupied with exams; the lack of organization caused very little to happen. I sort of invited myself to a friend's group, that probably wasn't the best plan either, but I didn't have a group of friends planning to go to WeHo so I just latched on to them. We cruised some apartment parties, the parties were fun, I'm not real sure why I didn't have more fun -- probably because I didn't really know anybody. That's really something I need to get past, I wish I could have fun at parties where I don't know anybody. I guess that's what alcohol is for! Alas, I did not drink on Halloween. That was another mistake. Regardless, I sort of made friends with a gay guy who went with us. I think I need to spend one more evening with him, in which we are still linked by at least one mutual friend, before I'd really say I'm friends with him. He's a nice guy (with connections) so hopefully it'll happen soon. He's cute, too. I'd date him, but I'd rather be friends with him.

I miss sauna boy! It wasn't just the sex, I liked spending time with him, and I miss kissing him. I'm not sure what to make of this, but mutual friends have told me that I'm similar to his ex-boyfriend. Weird coincidence? Probably not entirely. I messed around with another guy since then, a couple of nights ago, and it wasn't good. I'm pretty much never attracted to Asian guys, but I figured I'd try it anyway, just to see if I liked it, and I didn't. It just... wasn't good... he did not taste good, he smelled like sweaty Asian (I don't care how racist that sounds, it's a definite smell), and he wasn't sauna boy. My friends and I have been watching romantic comedies lately and getting depressed because we want boys. It's fun but it still leaves us sad. Haha at least we have each other; that's what friends are for: crying together over romantic comedies. I think I'll call him after a while, after it's been really long since I've seen him, long enough to say that I miss him without it sounding too attached/clingy/desperate. Maybe after I get back from Christmas break.

I've pretty much given up (for now) on the other boy. It's just not worth obsessing over. If fate brings us together, well, then things will be different. But I no longer expect something magic and wonderful to happen just because I bump into him between classes. After we've met, granted, it'll be convenient for me to say hi to him every other day... maybe I should keep working on it, I mean there are only a few weeks left of this term, after that, the chances of me seeing him three times a week are quite slim.

I'm so excited for this long weekend. We don't have class on Veteran's day, so it's a three day weekend, and I'm contemplating skipping tomorrow and just making it a four day weekend. Haha it was almost a five day weekend, but I'm not THAT much of a slacker, and today in my Russian class we were introduced to the past tense: it was a fairly important day. I really want to go down to San Diego for Saturday night, just to go to a club (Rich's) for something called Donkey Punch that Brent Corrigan wrote about on his blog quite recently, but I don't even know if those under 21 can get in... so I need to look into that. I don't know if I'll go or not yet, it's too soon to tell. Plus, I don't have a car (I could cheat and get a friend with a car to take me, but (a) that's less exciting and (b) it might be difficult convincing even a friend without a car to go), so I'd have to take a bus here to the Greyhound station, take that bus, then take a local San Diego bus to the club, and of course I wouldn't have anyplace to stay so I'd have to stay at the club until it closes then cruise places like IHOP until the sun comes up and bus service starts again, then try to remember how to get back..... but I love adventure!

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I don't pay attention in Calculus

This entry is contains a hand-written portion that I did instead of listening to my calculus professor drone on.

Click here!


On Thursday night I went to an event title "One Big Fat Gay Halloween Party". A sophomore that I know (not well) was the host, and it was fun. I was "I just got out of the shower..." so I could run around in a robe and Mr Bubble boxers all night, and I got to carry a towel which is always useful. I took a couple of straight friends with me (Wonder Woman and Flavor Flav)... it was a good time. I unfortunately didn't meet as many people as I would have liked, I should have drank more. Once I finally was meeting people and branching out away from the friends I brought, a fight broke out. Some gay bashers (a drunk guy and his drunk girlfriend) showed up and we don't like their type. The girlfriend was actually the feistier one; she was probably the angrier drunk. People had scratches, one guy was bleeding pretty badly from the back of his head (fortunately he prepartied and didn't really feel it), but the girl wound up getting her ass kicked. No guys wanted to fight a girl, but this girl from the party didn't care: she burned a cigarette onto the bitch's chest and then pushed her over a fence. It was pretty hardcore. I wish everybody could just get along and be more tolerant. Those who discriminate are missing out on so many meaningful friendships and adventures just because they think certain people are different -- we're really all the same. We are only one river; we are only one sea.

Tomorrow night brings more Halloween festivities!! I'll be going to a pretty big street parade in the city with some friends; there should be lots of sexy men there. I can't wait!

I've gotta meet more guys... it'll happen.

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i saw him again last night

Walking to the gym last night, I gave sauna boy some more thought, and pretty much gave up on him. I decided that fate would bring us closer together if we're supposed to be. So then, after I finish changing, I walk out of the lockerroom, and there's sauna boy. It wasn't awkward, we made our talk, and then proceeded to work out. After working out, I met up with him in the sauna, and there were other people there so it would have been a little weird to talk, but it felt like the most awkward silence ever. Then this guy started flirting with him (poorly) and that just really pissed me off. All of the tension I tried to work off came back. It cleared out a bit, he went and showered, I did too, we weren't talking so there was just more awkward silence, and I got my stuff out of my locker and was going to start getting dressed. He walked by and was like "You're leaving??" and I said "Yeah.. I think I'm done." He said he was going back to the sauna for a little longer and I said I might as well too. After everybody else left the sauna I could talk to him and it progressively got less awkward, thank God, and then we showered again which was a little awkward because of the silence but I just pushed through it. Then we changed and left together and we could talk as we walked back and suddenly, it wasn't awkward anymore. Well, it was a little, but not too bad. We even stopped to get smoothies somewhere and just hung out for a bit. I guess we're friends now, which is cool. I'm still attracted to him though. But I got what I wanted -- my biggest fear was that I would see him at the gym and it we wouldn't talk, he'd avoid me, and it would be horrifically awkward. Last night was only temporarily awkward and we can still talk to each other. His birthday is in a few days... I told him happy early birthday because I probably wouldn't see him before then. Maybe I will anyways though. So it was all good except for that I was totally ready to hit the gym again after this! I like to go to the gym late so I can come back and be tired and sleep. That totally backfired, but I at least sort of have some closure.

I miss summer.

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